I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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