It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
