I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
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