Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
