Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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