My cat gives me a boner
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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