Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
