Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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