Can i not drive my cunt home
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
