On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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