you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
