I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
