i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
