I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
