She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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