so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
