i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
