he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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