my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
