What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
