I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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