Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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