got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i love accidental penises.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
