The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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