so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
