there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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