Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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