I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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