If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
