i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
