i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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