she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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