guys are only as good as the porn they watch
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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