Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
