I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
