He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
