morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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