I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
