I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
