his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
