I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
