I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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