I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
