i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
