I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
