True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
