I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
