tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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