I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
