Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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