u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
