i already hear my dad disowning me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
