Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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